It tells me that she *knows* the world isnt an open invitation for her to insert herself into other peoples social events. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. Tbh from what I see on YouTube, it's kind of normal to ask if you can come over to hang out. Where I grew up there was an open door culture. And the thing is, if theyd said whose house should we watch at? I would have volunteered. I know you're afraid you won't get a response. We were all night owls, but at least twice visits in the neighborhood were after 11pm. If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. Their visits were usually a minimum of 2-3 hours, and it wasnt uncommon for them to stay for the entire day on Saturdays and Sundays. Guess divide, and all of the yes! I sent him an email when I left, and arrived 25 minutes later. The main reason I was even playing Destiny was to try to reconnect with someone. My apologies, Manattee. Answer (1 of 6): "I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware that I'd issued an invitation. One caveat to this is if you KNOW youre going to be near me every Saturday at Noon, and you start texting me every Saturday at 11, I might get annoyed. Your apartment is definitely not an option coz lets assume you have a roommate who probably doesnt feel great about it. It says a lot about Monica (and me) that this is the way she expresses both her care for her friends and her need to be seen as caring and we could all do a deep dive on the psychology of that if we wanted, but I dont think thats the point. I had a housemate once who was hosting a bridal shower for a mutual acquaintance, and it was supposed to be at our house. I also generally deal with social anxiety and nothing brings it to a head like uncertainty of being welcome. Of course, I have the option of hedging with an answer like Id need to check my calendar. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. Of course it only works with a host who isnt too shy and self-conscious to actually ask me to leave. I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. The more initiative my friends show, the better. Side note in regards to the hosting habit as something that is not done AT other people but is really about the host: Remember those episodes of FRIENDS when they switched apartments and Monica was desperate to have people come to the apartment she was in because she loved being the one who hosted? Me: I have a thing in the morning. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. Obviously it has practical caveats, but not answering would train people not to just drop in. Her depression means that sometimes shit just doesnt get done, but her mental and physical health outweigh the need to vacuum or wash up. I wish you all the best in working this through with your counsellor. It conveys a message that you are not even expecting to be invited, seeing as you are going to hear all about if afterwards. You may even be fine with being seen as a fifth wheel, if it means you get to go somewhere you really wanted to attend. Jesus Chris on a bike. Myself I like more notice. It is completely ok to ask if other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, but PLEASE be gracious about hearing no. I dont get it a lot, but I did only start hearing that from people after I moved to San Francisco, so maybe it is a regional thing. I am so glad asking this question because its one Ive also had, although in my case Im on the other side of the fence Im friends with the mom, and her daughter likes my kids, but they cant stand her. What my friend did that bothered us was: Someone surprises me at home: invasion of my precious and rare me-time. Like other commentors Im totally fine with a Im in the neighbourhood can I drop by text, as long as the other person is fine with actually, Im really busy, maybe next time as a reply. Excellent advice from the Captain. In this particular situation, I dont think you did something WRONG/horribly rude, but your friend is now giving you the cue of please dont do this. So, you just gotta respect that for her, at least for right now, invites to her place are a no go. Unfortunately, during the same era, houseguests could stay for months and you couldnt ask them to leave. You were a little kid. I like your suggestions about neutral spaces too, will definitely use that in future. Recently Ive taken to IMing my friends if Im in their area and have a little time. I've been writing about social skills for fifteen years. I agree I dont want someone showing up at my house unexpectedly without calling ahead. The fact that you dont find it rude, and would love for people to do it, is valid. I am going to discuss fun things with family with other family, even though family event might conceivably include all family. Ive had way too many experiences of feeling like Im intruding to do otherwise. 2. These two used to be good friends who were easy with each other. This particular aspect of socialising is difficult for everyone so I hope LW doesnt get down on themselves about it. Places like that are MINE, are safe, are meant to be shields against the outside world. It helps to hear that this was inappropriate. One guy showed up with his brother, cooked one meal, and then they sat on their butts and didnt lift a finger for five goddamn days while partner and I did all of the cooking, cleaning and tidying. Usually I like things planned out in advance and double or triple checked. Im pickier about when I want to hang out if we werent already doing so, but asking even 10 minutes beforehand greatly increases the chances of me wanting you to come over, because then I have time to switch to social mode rather than ack, an intruder in my happy little introvert bubble, go away mode. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. Plan to visit? They think if someone hasn't been invited to something they shouldn't try to force the issue. I think showing her that you are aware of and respectful of her need for space will conversely whet her desire to spend more time with you. I dont even know how to make polite noises. To clarify some points: She inherited the house when my grandmother died and is having work done on it, ergo she has a key and I cant just chain the door and turn her away, as much of the work is being done when I am working elsewhere. Well, one way is not to mention things to people if theyre not invited. I need you to help me fix it! I would have a lot less anxiety about visitors if I could trust people to listen to what Im asking them to do in my home, whether thats taking shoes off by the door or sitting the fuck down when asked to. My familys got some issues. All attempts to set boundaries have failed, and these attempts have actually led to her being punitive toward me for trying to tell her no or set a boundary with her about anything, and this exhausting, selfish boundary-stomping is why, when I do move away, which I have been trying to do for TEN GODDAMNED YEARS while very, very poor and very, very un(der)employed, chances are very good that she will be completely and utterly cut off until she dies. Small apartment. In my nMoms reality, faaaaaaaaaaaamily can just pop in any time of day or night, and call you whenever they like, too. He's not going to know your reasoning for wanting to come over and will be more likely to turn you down. Its very common for people to recall the past in a way that reflects an idealized world, or at least one that mirrors a happy period in their young life. Don't assume people share all your interests, and simply invite them to do something you think is fun. Everyones invited, and boundaries have a way of becoming more fluid than usual. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Anyway. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. Whenever I want to hang out with ANYONE I know I always drop a text beforehand and make sure my wording sends the message that its totally optional on their part to agree to hang or not. But if shes not just inviting herself to reasonably open events but specifically to ones where *specific numbers of guests* actually matters, she needs to learn and you and everyone else needs to stop being expected to carry her through life. Ugh, why cant people do exactly what I want them to?? I mean, math can still be hard, but its sooo much easier than solving math problems WITHOUT doing math, haha. Yeah, my schedule generally involves napping for several hours in the middle of the day. Hi all, long time lurker, first time commenter I have seen this from both sides of the dropping by conundrum. In the other case making plans was nearly impossible and incredibly inconvenient, so dropping by felt like a nice surprise. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? The dropping by for a hug comes over as very needy. Maybe her social expectations are different to mine or what I grew up with. *deep breaths* He did the whole I dont mind a mess, I understand! thing, sat himself down, and proceeded to talk about his church for about 20 minutes. Show up with boyfriend to events that no other SO was invited to I apologize to the LW and to you for appearing critical. I am also like your ex, although for a slightly different reason: I have a lot of friends who plan things a long ways out, so if I get a last-minute invitation to something, chances are good that theres already something in that time slot and I now have to choose whether or not to skip out on the thing I agreed to go to a month ago. But Im happy about seeing someone I havent seen in a while. Even if it was their idea. Your choices are to accept that and reduce your attempts to hang out, or to ask her directly whats going on. Bye oops grab the dog please. My son, who is 7, has a best friend at school that he adores. My partner had a, You should come to our party next Saturday! Sure! conversation at a party, and, being Irish, she figured it was a friendly fun thing that people say and promptly forgot about it. But since the LW was asking about why a person might be upset about an unexpected visit I wanted to throw in the fact that there are many reasons a host might not want a drop-in visit, not just the need to shame clean, which I think is well represented by many of the comments above me. I think Miss Manners would concur that its incredibly rude to discuss plans in front of those who have been excluded (not by accident, but intentionally). Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. For the chronic advice-givers, this usually takes me repeatedly saying I know youre trying to help, but Im just venting right now so I dont want advice, thanks. I used to get REALLY angry about it, but eventually I realized that most people arent my horribly abusive family: they are genuinely trying to help, and will stop once you tell them that its not helping, rather than continuing until you start crying uncontrollably and agreeing to do whatever they say. Ask him if he has any dessert requests, but don't ask him to buy half the ingredients for the dinner. Its just that my family builds onion layers of forbidden feelings, and it was impossible to guess which ones you were supposed to notice & do something about and which ones didnt exist. Itturned out ok, but I sort of wish I had subsequently invited one or two other people, because it was kinda weird to travel with this guy (he wasnt even a CLOSE friend, I have NO CLUE what he was thinking). Ask him if it is cool to come over or if he would keep you company while your friends come back. Then she would get an answer thats specific to her local culture. Este artculo fue escrito, editado y revisado exhaustivamente por el equipo de Cuida Tu Dinero con la finalidad de asegurar que los lectores reciban la mejor y ms detallada informacin posible. So if neither of us minds, what does it matter? You should wash all the dishes and clean the dirty parts of the floor. If she shouts at you? For instance, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., you won't discuss chores around the house or the kids (unless it's an emergency) because it pulls you and everyone in the house out of work mode into house . True, it is rude to ask about money with new acquaintances, but this someone who had in the past gone over every detail of her budget with me and to whom Id loaned money and given money to so she could visit. Seconded. and there are a few people at church Ive invited. Ask if you can sober up at his place for some time.

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