You can write them down and use them whenever you're attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 191. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. Lily Tomlin, 242. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours., 6. 199. 70. 276. Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. As long as I have best friends as weird as me, I have everything., 10. Milton Berle, 245. Why was six scared of seven? "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". Confidence makes me powerful. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. And no, that's definitely not a bad thing! 97. 56. Shoot for the moon. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. 194. And get over it. 9. Bill Murray Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 260. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. Find a quiet place without distractions. 9. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. 264. 153. 36. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. 160. 48. Steven Wright Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up. 255. Why cant you trust an atom? Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. 21. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Paul Ehrlich, 241. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. 279. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. 99. Theres no stopping me now. 115. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. You can't wait for inspiration. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 7. 175. 121. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 55. I did not trip and fall. You can think about your affirmations at work, while driving, when you practice yoga, and when you spend time with your . Not everyone has good taste., 3. 188. I am not letting an episode of my life ruin the entire show. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. As I become responsible, I have got more powers. "My funny vibes attract my happy tribe.". Just like every Monday does on Earth. Helen Giangregorio To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. 221. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. It has nothing new to tell you. Its scary when it disappears. Give your body time to absorb the positivity and let go of negative thoughts. 9. Yeah, so is a grenade. Sincerely, the floor. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 153. Live life to the fullest. 31. When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. 18. 77. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. Look, youre smiling! Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. 1. With a cowculator. 24. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. 49. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . 143. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. And a funny bone. 233. 234. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me. Some when they enter, others when they leave. I am on a seafood diet. I am noticing that others are more drawn to me because I am funny. I am capable of eating a family-sized bag of chips. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. 24. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. 3. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. 273. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Bill Murray, 257. Sam Levenson 75. Because he was always spotted. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Its okay, he woke up. 274. I am on a seafood diet. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. 19. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. 256. They make you change without hurting your self-esteem. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. 59. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Sam Levenson. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 270. 243. I dont worry about getting older. Laughter also has a social aspect, as its the perfect way to bond with people. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. 227. Be careful when you follow the masses. 79. 142. 109. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. 203. A gummy bear. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. So far, so good. Love your enemies. Im gonna be worse., 12. 51. Discover short videos related to funny affirmations on TikTok. 195. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. 157. Henny Youngman, 246. I wish my wallet came with free refills. 156. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 84. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. You can only be young once. 68. Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. Being funny seems to be taking less effort. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. Theres life without Facebook and internet? They log in. 3. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. 103. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. 18. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? I breathe in and out. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. They log in. Art doesnt transform. 247. My sense of humor makes the world a better place., 8. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? 65. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. 57. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. 170. "Today will be a great day". Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor. Ensure that your actions match your words. Life gives the test first and then the lesson. Albert Einstein One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. 21. Why did the school kids eat their homework? Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 91. 151. Frances McDormand, 42. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.". These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. 181. 31. Dave Barry My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? I see food, and I eat it. 38. May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 214. 204. 80. You never run out of things that can go wrong. I am so f*cking awesome. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. Im describing you. Things are getting better all the time. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. 202. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. 112. 89. I have seen better days, but Ive also seen worse. I didnt want to interrupt her. It gets toad away. I tell you what always catches my eye. Bill Murray 101. You were too lazy to read that number. 114. We frequently doubt ourselves. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. I love my body. Effective pushing often involves poop. I receive what I believe. Some when they enter, some when they leave. I can create positive change in the world. I tell you what always catches my eye. 32. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. 50. We all need a little energy boost here and there. 137. You have to go after it with a club. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. Short people with an umbrella. Run. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. 249. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Jackie Collins, 240. 66. I love living in my unique female body. P.D. "Change is not a four letter word but often your reaction to it is!". 87. 167. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. In the morning, I cant get up. Czech proverb, 261. - Jeffrey Gitomer. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". "If you see me talking to myself. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. It just plain forms. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. 44. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. 194. 172. In between, I am alive. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. Never take life seriously. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. Charles M. Schulz Read next: 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset, Posted on Published: January 26, 2023- Last updated: January 27, 2023, Home 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, Fabulous List Of 120 Cute Names To Call Your Crush, 120 Follow Your Dreams Quotes To Keep You On The Track. 128. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. Funny Daily Affirmations. Not everyone has good taste. Honolulu, its got everything. I make the right choices every time. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. 20. Frances McDormand It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul. 168. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. 25. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. 186. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. No one is immune to self-sabotage, heartbreak, loss, and failure. 219. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. I just go normal from time to time. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. I never apologize. Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. 70. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 272. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. I thought you said extra fries. It has features that are distinctive and make me who I am. 1. I want to afford them., 2. Why did the school kids eat their homework? No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. 12. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. no rich foods. 206. A mind is like a parachute. happy. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. With a cowculator. What do you call a bear with no teeth? 82. 161. 58. Education cost money. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. Why is England the wettest country? Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! I am happy and joyful. Oh sheet! God has never abandoned me. Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. 5. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Hi! Not me, but somebody does. A wishbone. I'm a peli-can! .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. Take a look! Wilson Mizner 108. My mom scolds me for no reason. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Bill Murray Superwoman: single. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 63. Any text will do. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. If you just want to keep reading, then heres some affirmations about the funny side of friendship. - Benjamin Franklin. 187. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. I feel great. 241. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. I am adventurous. 37. Sam Levenson If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. Here are some tips on how to make the most of using these humorous affirmations: Laughter and affirmations are already powerful separately, so imagine what they can do for you when combined. 10. 8. Robert A. Heinlein These affirmations are funny, humorous, witty and sarcastic for work, friends, family, mom, to boost your self-esteem, confidence and strength. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. 278. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? 111. Loving yourself and believing in yourself is the first step in making these funny positive affirmations work for you. You wanna know who Im in love with? Roy Lichtenstein 95. Who says nothing is impossible? If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 85. 83. I focus on breathing and grounding myself. It is already tomorrow in Australia.". 223. 96. How do trees access the internet? 76. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. 236. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. 98. 169. "Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.". Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Youre not tequila., 5. 78. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 142. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Its scary when it disappears. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. Remember, no one can make you feel anything other than what YOU allow yourself. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. What do computers eat for a snack? Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. 19. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. 28. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 211. It makes them so damned mad. Why cant you trust an atom? The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Dont forget to check out our post onlove yourself quotesandvision board quotesto attract positivity in your life. Words have the power to make or break us. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. Decomposing. 43. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Ive been doing nothing for years. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 27. Stop playing with me., 6. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. No one can make me feel my jokes are bad. I am intelligent. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. 177. But you can always be immature. 228. 135. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. 131. The thing is, I am still getting ready. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" At night, I cant fall asleep. 199. I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. Rodney Dangerfield. Microchips. You were too lazy to read that number. 53. 191. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Batwoman: single. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. "I make people laugh, whether it's with me or at me.". 214. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. 15. You deserve it! 163. 6. 268. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. East. 104. 134. Not everyone has to like me. I love my job only when Im on vacation. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. 88. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. 274. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 176. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. It's OK to take a break. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. 54. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. Exercise? I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. 123. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre overwhelmed, stressed, or just dealing with negative self-talk. Envelope. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Looking for positive funny affirmations? 3. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldnt even jump puddles for you., 13. 133. Happy Birthday.". Chris Rock, 256. 164. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. My mood swings keep life interesting. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. 138. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Why become moody when you can shake your booty. I am lazy till I get a motive. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. Nothing, they just waved. My body deserves healthy food and exercise, not junk food or laziness. You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . 8. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. A backbone. Bill Murray Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. 187. 92. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 132. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. 71. 14. So far, so good. 207. 238. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. My mistakes dont define me. 9. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. I am quite fascinating. Its okay if people dont like me. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Your life is your message to the world. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Art doesnt transform. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut., 6. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. What is Mozart doing right now? May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short., See also: 120 Inspiring Wednesday Morning Blessings To Motivate You. 224. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. The rest are too expensive. I did not trip and fall. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. Unknown. Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up. 94. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. To thrive in life you need three bones. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. 23. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. 34. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. "I receive what I believe.".

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